He is charming, like an exotic creature. Fantastical words laced in magic, hope, harmony, connection and revelation drip out of his mouth like honey. Like a pied piper he lures all who listen, all become entranced in his beautiful lyrical dance of spiritual poetry and promise, unaware of the muzzled wild animal within. There it sits, tethered, bound and ill at ease.
As they dance and follow in time with his rhythm, his eyes are like razors making sure to keep a safe distance as to contain the wild thing that streaks its claws and marks his insides. Keeping its leash tight, muffling its voice and pain, suppressing the energy that desires to break free of its enclosure, the animal’s electrified angst is kept smothered and in check.
As his insides turn, he struggles to manifest a smile for all to see.
The leash is pulled tight.
Open and unassuming, she is seduced; entranced by his words, eccentricity and both drawn and perplexed by the fiery intensity in his eyes. His voice sings of promise, love and fortune.
There is something she can’t define here, a strange feeling. Like clockwork the strange intensity flares for a moment as he laughs, his eyes gleam, sending a brief surge of electricity down her spine and into her nervous system, like a spike of lightening during a storm.
‘Just excitement… nervousness..’ she tells herself.
In her mind, she can’t seem to reconcile the unease she feels.
Hearts open and energetic cords are fused as curiosity and allure take precedence over any uncertainty that is felt.
The hand releases the taut leash as it falls lifeless to the ground.
It all begins with a thought.
Be it created from trauma, fear, love, joy or pain, past or present. The thought, begging to be discovered, loved and released is held on to, transforming it into belief that is stored in the body.
The wild animal is provoked, the tether long gone, triggering a systemic tightness in the body, as the brow furrows, hackles raise and paint begins to peel from the walls once again. This electric surge swirls within his body as he becomes possessed with its energy, fueling the body to seek some action and release.
The body transforms, from Jekyll to Hyde.
The animal rips through previously pursed lips, as it can be stifled no longer. The energy it exudes from its angst transforms into biting words, guttural sounds, attacks and vomitus threats as pain flies like erratic lightening through the air, intuitively seeking and searching for its lightening rod.
Like a heat seeking missile, its target is located. She is struck violently, as the vibration of his odious words and energy rip and tears through her flesh as they infiltrate her body. Once inside, security alarms are raised as her body is acutely aware of this animal that begins to claw at her flesh..
‘You got this’, she says to herself. ‘We’ve done this many times before…’
She attempts to calm and soothe, as she’s done countless times.
It rejects wildly, spinning out of control like a rabid dog, as its energy rises higher, its teeth sink deeper while its words, thick and potent as venom begin to rot her flesh.
Fighting to ground this erratic energetic intruder, her mind and nervous system buckle down, working together to calm the body in an attempt to flush the vicious disturbance; the mind tells the body to breathe, while she is slowly consumed.
‘I can take no more of this.’ she says and attempts to leave.
The body holds strong as the violent electric current of dis-ease forces and carves new pathways in her body, placing it in energetic overload, shorting out the natural electric current within. The Light Within.
One by one, the bulbs of her nervous system short out as it begins to slowly surrender once again to the overwhelming force. Her shoulders hunch, knees go weak and tears begin to flow as the body lets go and embraces the pain, releasing all control as knees and forearms meet the ground like a fallen tree.
Systematically and energetically dismantled, voiceless. A dead bulb..
Like lightening seeking its lightening rod, the energy is dispersed. Grounded. The animal angst within him is soothed.
Reminiscent of a kitten unamused with a limp string, he is confused as to why she cannot get up and dance and smile like everyone else does.
‘She’s just sensitive.’ he says.
Overtime she falters, her attempts to help sooth that unease and pain within him burning out her natural brightness, her inner light dimmed. He becomes discontented and bored.
Once again he tethers the beast, moves on and smiles while poetry blooms from his lips as all who listen begin the dance again, seeking other brilliant lights that catch his fancy.
Only her and her alone, has seen his true hungry depths.
I read for a group of lovely woman this past weekend, one of which began to describe a calling she felt, so deeply in her bones. She was thinking of changing careers and felt so strongly about what she needed to do. This is something I will never forget.
She talked with such passion about her desire to help women who have suffered abuse. I have never experienced anyone who talked with so much love and such a true desire to help others. A calling that was created to help others out of self love and not out of a need to prove their worth to themselves or to others due to inner lack.
It was at this moment that I absolutely dropped my professional guard, as she saw it written all over my face. She stopped, held both of my hands, looked at me with tears in her eyes and more love than I have ever seen and said “You don’t deserve to be treated like that. That person does not love you, they love their own mind. They drink your energy and the energy of others. They need that for their own survival. That person, whoever they are, does not deserve your light.”
In all vulnerability, this is the first time I have truly lost it in a professional setting. We are all filled with the psychic consciousness of spirit and it chooses to speak through every single person and animal on earth at all times.. and exactly when it needs to.
We all have that light. We all experience pain and trauma. It is how we choose to release that energy that truly matters. I’ve been there, on all sides of it in my past and I’ve cherished every moment. It gives me choice of action, choice of how I wish to be and act and react. I chose my ways a long time ago with much experience. If we mask our pain and slather goodness and spiritual words all over us, it doesn’t release the pain. You’re only wearing a spiritual outfit, of sorts. If you avoid being truly vulnerable with others and keep them at a safe distance and project spiritual lingo everywhere, that does not mean you walk the walk. You could sell yourself with photographs of you cuddling kittens and bunnies and volunteering for rescues; it still doesn’t mean you aren’t capable of harm if you refuse to face your inner pain. When you infuse all your pain into one person and let the floodgates down, it doesn’t matter how you project yourself to others. You’re still creating pain. It is still abuse. If you’re creating a façade, of course, people will believe the façade. However, those who you truly let in will experience everything you’ve been holding back.
Overtime the trauma gets buried as we shift and change, but the belief is still there, melded with our physical body, taking up residence in our subconscious and shielding us from conscious pain. In an attempt to “fill the cup”, we attempt to mask and cover ourselves with the opposite of this pain, letting this wound fester until it is ultimately, ravenously released. It is up to us how we decide to deal with pain. Running from our pain and finding fulfillment in the attention of others, only postpones the inevitable.
We are all light and we all have that brilliant light within. We’re made of electricity. When you are truly in balance, you don’t need to draw from the energy of others (via social media or otherwise) for your self-worth. The light is there, regardless.
I know there will be those who will stand with me, those who will not, those who say they believe others who have suffered similarly and still wont put their belief in me. That is okay, I love and forgive you either way.
For everyone out there who has experienced this type of pain or abuse at the hands or words of someone you love or have loved, I stand with you. I love you.
More so, I Believe You.