"I am up late because Spirit is urging me to speak up. As I try to sleep I am shown images, I hear thoughts and feel deeply. I have no choice but to listen and channel the words of Spirit to you directly.
We are at the cusp of repeating a cycle. A pattern. Spirit is telling me that this needs to stop.
You are in the woods and you are running from something. I feel it and I see it.
You are tired, drained and have no energy left for your work, your interactions with others- or for me. You come out at such a deficit that you need to retreat extensively, overcompensating for the imbalance of energy output you give.
You willingly arrange and tie up every moment of your time to help, rescue and aid others. Giving to others before first giving to yourself. Your life and how you choose to live and spend your time and devote your energy is a choice. Life is a choice. You choose to live with your schedule the way you do. You choose to do the exact behavior your work teaches others to heal from.
You choose it, willingly, every day. You choose not to listen. You choose to run.
Choosing to live this way is also choosing to be drained from this way of existing. To not have time for you, to not have time for writing, to not have time for us.
You choose your life and you choose who you are and how you act, as well as how you react. We are Creators of our own realities, our own Universe.
You overextend, overcompensate, overreach and try to be a help to others. You bend over backwards, making yourself depleted and coming in last. Making us come last when in your words and heart, you want us first. You are projecting your energy outwards, distracting yourself from what is inside.
Dear one, why do you run?
It is time to come to stillness and look inside. There is something here that needs to be realized, faced, surrendered to and healed.
To heal deep wounds, they must be felt. Deeply. Reaching states of calming meditation and being in the woods may make us feel good and fuzzy and excited about the world, getting us back to above the red line of danger and pain, but what are they really when it comes to dealing with a wound?
A bandaid. A distraction from feeling the pain and having to experience the trauma to let it go.
They bring us above water and out of the depth of feeling the pain that needs to be moved. In order to move deep wounds, you must feel them. If you are feeling them, then they are trying to move out of your system and subconscious. Trying to find ways to pump oneself up when they’re feeling a deep trigger is avoiding the trigger and further suppressing the pain down inside. Yes, you’ll be comfortable for the time being… until the trigger cycles again and comes up ever stronger. See where the dilemma is? I have been here many times.
If you’re feeling it, it is your chance to move it. It is your choice to move it.
You have mentioned many times how you associate yourself with being a Loner, The Man In The Cabin Deep Within The Woods.
We create our path in life. As Creators of our own realities, we choose who we are and what we are going to do on our jouneys. This is the true nature of our beings.
I am looking for real, raw intimacy. This cannot take place within the realm of an archetype. An archetype is a story. A character. To live in accordance of the parameters of this character is to limit oneself and to limit your own choice. To limit your own expression and to limit your own vulnerability. To limit openness to be your abundant, limitless true self. You limit the possibility to find true intimacy within yourself and with another. To adhere to an archetype is a falsation of who you are.
It is, to be blunt, a cop out. A retreat. An easy answer. An addiction to distract yourself from the pain that lies in the discovery of yourself through learning of your deepest triggers. A way to avoid listening and discovering who you really are inside and how you feel about yourself, others and the world around you.
For you to continually commit to this archetype and in telling me that you are a loner, is to tell me you are not willing to ever be truly intimate with me. You have found an easy out where you have a frame work to tell you who you are and what your boundaries are so you don’t have to feel them/discover them on your own and experience the discomfort and unpredictability of the process. As long as you commit yourself to this archetype and continue to tell me ‘this is you’, then you will forever be choosing to hold me at arms-length. Committing to and self-identifying with being a loner is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Again, to commit to living up to the ‘loner archetype’ is a choice; a choice to limit the expression of oneself to a fictional character that by its very design and nature, cannot be truly vulnerable and intimate. We are Creators, manifesting our own lives and journeys.
I want to point out that this idea of being a loner and fulfilling this role, archetype has absolutely nothing to do with needing to have pilgrimages and alone time. Alone time is healthy. It is natural. It is important for the growth of oneself. When I bring up commitment to the loner archetype and alone time, I am discussing two very different things. Everything we have talked about when it comes to balance in relationship, commitment to having time together, to come from a place of abundance so that we can both have our alone adventures is EXACTLY what I want and desire. There is absolutely NO change in that. What I am writing here has absolutely nothing to do with that vision in what we want to cultivate.
Beyond this dream that we desire, this 3rd Entity, I sense something else.
If one overextends their energy, seeking approval by an outside source because of a trauma felt inside, it is felt by all. If you interact with a horse and are subconsciously harboring the pain and trauma of being left by a relationship and are seeking approval by this animal because you sense a void inside of you.. they'll know.. and feel it. They will feel your overcompensation and mirror it back to you.
"Hello Horse! I am a loner. That is who I am."
Horse: "Ok. I feel you projecting this loner vibration and therefore I will react according to where you are setting this boundary. Hm. I do not feel a full sense of connection from you because you are drawing a distinct line in the sand with that title, making a clear boundary at what our intimate connection and vulnerability is. I do not feel your commitment to our connection; therefor I do not trust you enough to walk with you."
Love, I am your horse.
It can sometimes feel easier to be completely vulnerable and intimate with something you are helping and being the savior for. It's a whole other story when being vulnerable and intimate with an equal- you don't have as much confidence, power or grounding as you would when you are aiding, helping or filling someone’s cup who is in need. There isn't an "I have this thing you need and I can then go." When you are in romantic relationship, there is no helping or rescuing. You are on an equal playing field of intimacy and vulnerability. Making real, raw, intimacy possible- opening up all of your pains and hurts... Even The Deep Seated Ones.
You are not my hero. You are not my savior. You are my equal. You are my partner and those committed to partnerships are not loners. This is a choice.
To take pride in being a loner, a cowboy, a hero, is to avoid pain; to avoid true intimacy. This is not commitment, this is not marriage, this is not relationship and this is not partnership.
Loner archetype is a withdrawal from partnership. A withdrawal from true intimacy.
Withdrawal, like withholding love and affection.
Why do you immediately feel the need to abandon when we get into arguments? Why do you immediately try and get out of the car?
Because the action of withdrawal to someone who needs you (putting them in a place of desiring you) gives a sense of power and levity from the pain you're already enduring. A boost.
Why do we without a doubt know without thinking that this will hurt the other person enough for them to ‘need us’ and create this sense of pain relief for us? Because we know first-hand what abandonment feels like and that it hurts... Deeply. It's an instinctual, reliable pain that we know in our bones, so we know that it will cause others pain.. and therefor will alleviate some of our own pain.
This is the subconscious cycle of abandonment.
What I watch during our hard times, when I watch you pull away from me, shield yourself, roll on the ground, cover your face, scream at the top of your lungs and nearly pull your hair out. I stopped reacting and finally realized after many months what I am watching.
Replace Loner with Orphan.
I am watching childhood trauma. I am watching a child struggling in frustration with a situation that is so difficult for the adult conscious mind to comprehend.
Orphan Trauma. Fetus Trauma. Abandonment Trauma. Many things affect us even while we are in the womb, shaping the very beginnings of our whole beings on a subconscious level. How were our mothers treated? How did they take care of themselves? How did they deal with trauma? How did they react to the very idea of being pregnant? And more..
When we are adopted, how do we subconsciously deal with being given up by our mothers as a young child?
This is all energy. This is all vibration.. and this is transferred into our DNA. There is a reason why you confided in me that when you were a child you cried and felt a burning need to help others and reach out from an unidentified wound within. It is a wound that your body feels, that your DNA feels and knows about, but your consciousness does not have words or recollection of it. There is a reason why you identify with this Loner, The Man Who Resides In The Cabin In The Woods, The Cowboy archetype. We attract and go towards what our life experiences have convinced our thinking brains that we ‘are’. We attract things of Like-Vibration just as we seek out things that we resonate with. Resonation could be because of many things; resonating with pain, happiness, sadness, anger, depression… they resonate because they are FAMILIAR and familiar is safe, even if it’s familiar pain. This is why children of alcoholic parents attract partners who are also alcoholics. It is a pattern our brains know and can comprehend. It is not new, it is not unknown, unchartered territory and our brains know that they don’t have to overcompensate safety for an unknown, unpredictable situation.
Your vibration attracted others that offer to help you relive the cycle/pattern, yes, but they did not unearth the wound. You said you never felt truly connected, like a loner. You have told me that our connection is different, however I am slowly watching you retreat into your previous pattern of Loner Archetype.
True Intimacy Cannot Happen Here. True Vulnerability Cannot Happen Here. This goes deep into your subconscious, my love. I have been watching it and it has been watching me.
You desired your twin flame and twin flames are not here to be fluffy. They are here to point out our biggest, deepest triggers so we can work and move on from them. We are here to see clearly what is stopping us. I am not another temporary connection; a practice run fulfilling this painful, cyclical pattern and ending.
I am not a surface-level being; I am deeply vast and radically honest. I am here to experience life as a Creator; through passion, rawness and the pains of love and vulnerability. I am here to point out what you cannot see so you can be aware of it. To help you move beyond it. This is both a blessing and a curse, as I see this limitation clearly and therefore must point it out with true love and honesty.. to be a messenger for your pain.
This cycle needs to be realized, felt, and healed. What you feel inside affects everything you create around you.
Here Lies The Pattern;
1. Overthinking A Proposed Thought and Not Knowing Where It Comes From
2. Experiencing Fear, Fight or Flight Response
3. Retreat From Me/World/Partnership
4. Withdrawl of Love/Connection/Embrace/Communication/Vulnerability/Intimacy
5. Find Calmness and Place Band Aid/Quick Feel Good Fix
6. Smooth Things Over Once You’re Feeling Better Until It Pops Up Again
I need you to choose me. I need you to choose the world. I need you to choose your highest and best interest and I need you to choose mine. If you so choose to be the Loner, this Man In The Cabin In The Woods, then this is your choice to continue to isolate and avoid within this pattern. I am drawing this boundary and I need you to hear me.
Healing this world and all its inhabitants comes from feeling pain, feeling that void, that wound, letting it scream, letting the air out, letting it move out of your body and soul and finally realizing that there is no void there. That it was all a story created by the mind. No void that needs filling or that requires you to run around and avoid taking time for yourself. One that needs you to reach out continuously to help and heal with action. It reminds you that you are naturally whole and healed. You naturally and effortlessly are consciousness of Spirit; the true breath, electricity and abundance in this world that animates all things. That is what Animals have effortlessly and why we want to be around them.
In order for me to commit to you, I need this commitment from you and to the success of our communication in this relationship. I need you to choose me everyday, just as I choose you.
I realized last night why I have not been writing. I felt something was coming, something deep. I couldn’t put words or a frame on it.. but I could feel it so deeply within my gut. I realized that I was saving my physical energy to translate this message from Spirit to you."
For All To Read and Dedicated To The Healing Of Others On Their Journeys